Thanks, Coach!

Remember when a toilet would flush on "Married...With Children" and the entire audience (and myself at home) would cheer? That's because the bathroom is to be respected. There are rules you have to follow when you're in there. Here are some things you should remember the next time you're in the men's room.


There are paper towels and dryers in here
Hey douchebag, thanks for washing your hands. The Coach isn't being sarcastic. Yes, I did witness you ritualistically perform what seemed to be an attempt to cleanse your wrists, palms, fingers, and fingernails. Yes, I am aware that you used soap. But what I know for damn sure is that you did not dry your hands. Guess what I have to deal with? A dripping wet doorknob/handlebar on the way out. They even have one of those "slip your hands in and out while we blow dry them with super high powered air" things here which you apparently did not find cool at all. To your right was also a paper towel dispenser. Introduce yourself next time. The reason why I dried my hands after washing then was not so that I would get them wet again.

Continue the conversation you were having prior to entering
Hey douchebag, why did you stop talking to me? We were just talking about that cute little filipino girl that works in the Shipping department but some reason, you are no longer speaking to me as of the moment we walked through the bathroom door. What do I do now? Are you afraid we're going to make eye contact while we're peeing? Great, now I have about six seconds to decide whether I should keep talking or whether I should stay quiet too. Now I've decided to keep my mouth shut but I feel totally awkward. Let's piss and get outta here. Even more awkward: the second you started washing your hands, you said "Yeah, that girl's really cute". Did you not notice what just happened?

That was an A and B conversation. C yourself out
Hey douchebag, being in the washroom doesn't make us friends. Johnson and I are at the sinks washing our hands and trying to have a conversation about how I got busted in last night's poker game. Did you receive an invitation to suddenly start shouting poker advice to us as you were walking from the urinal to the sink? You almost gave me a fucking heart attack! The only eye contact you deserve now is via this mirror I'm standing in front of.

Get the fuck away from me
Hey douchebag, give me some space. It's obvious that a real man designed this washroom because there are three urinals. I was here first and I chose U1 so that you could pee at U3 and there would be a good amount of space between us. Why are you currently located at U2? That's just gay. Don't you know that U2 is never to be used unless 1 and 3 are already occupied? It wasn't even until the summer of '06 that I realized U2 wasn't a dummy urinal!

It's three hours later now and you just walked by my cubicle. That reminds me that I need to pee again. OMG, you were going to the washroom too? Fuck y--OMG WHY ARE YOU AT U2 AGAIN? Is that your favorite band or something? There's no one else in here! Why have you chosen the urinal directly in the middle of the three? Now I'm forced to pee and risk our sleeves brushing each other because you failed to leave U2 vacant. If I don't suddenly discover that you're some sort of Backgammon expert, you're fucking dead.

Hurry the fuck up. You know I'm in the stall
Hey douchebag, help a brother out. We all know what comes out of our butts. It smells, it looks disgusting, it sounds disgusting: it's poo. The first thing you saw when you walked into the washroom was that little area under the stall and you saw my shoes. I know this because I was thinking "omg, he can see my shoes. I hope it's not Rob". That's when I start convincing myself that the chances of you being Rob are likely. I even purposely cleared my throat and started ripping out toilet paper to make it aware to you that someone was in here taking a shit. Guess what? I'm trying to poo. Yes, there is still some poo in me which needs to come out but I'm too embarrassed to continue shitting because I'm scared you'll hear it. Do me a favor: Pee really quick and flush your urinal or something. And then when you're done, wash your hands with the hot and cold water on max. Make as much noise as you possibly can so that I can use it mask my pooing process. Don't forget to walk the fuck out of the bathroom as fast as you can because even if I've finished pooing and I've already pulled my pants up, I'm not leaving this stall yet with you still in there because I don't want to know if I was right about you being Rob.